On, July 30th, at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I faced a great trial. I went in for an ultrasound to get an accurate due date and discovered the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Just two weeks prior, the baby's heart was beating strongly.
This intense shock and grief was not unfamiliar to me. 6 years and 9 months before, my husband and I lost our first baby, Kaler, to an early 2nd trimester miscarriage.
15 days later, on August 14th, my husband took me to the hospital to have a D&C. The ultrasound on July 30th, showed the baby had been dead for 2 weeks already, and by the time I went in for the D&C, the baby had been dead for 4 weeks. My body had not begun the miscarriage process at all, and for my peace of mind, and for my husband and I to have closure, we decided to proceed with the D&C.
My son, Tyler wanted to name this baby Cody. So, we now have a Kaler and a Cody in Heaven. Two precious little treasures. We miss them. That may sound strange to some. We've never seen these babies. We've never held them or played with them. But, they are still a part of us - a part of our family. I truly believe they are in Heaven. I do not believe life begins once a child is delivered and can breath on his/her own. I believe life begins at conception.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I
praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are
wonderful, I know that full well.
When Kaler and Cody were formed in my womb...God almighty knit them together. They were fearfully and wonderfully made.
When King David lost his young son he said, "I will go to him (Heaven), but he will not return to me(earth)."
Because I have faith in Jesus Christ and what He did for me on the cross, my life is different. I grieve with hope. God has promised me in His Word that I will live eternally with him in Heaven one day, and the children we've lost through miscarriage are in Heaven already.
John 3:16 says, For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
How can I count or consider losing 2 babies "pure joy?"
I began this journal entry with James 1:2...Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds...
Verses 3 and 4 go on to say, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I am learning that when you go through a trial in life, you have 2 choices you can make. You can choose to be angry at God and distance yourself from him, or you can allow God to comfort and heal you. I have chosen to allow the God of all comfort (2 Cor. 1:3) to comfort me. I do not believe I have "persevered" yet. Not sure if I will until I reach Heaven. I still hurt. I still cry. I am still sad. I am still grieving. I believe I will grieve the loss of my babies for the rest of my time here on earth. Perhaps that's one way the Lord is teaching me to long for Him, to long for Heaven more and more each passing day? I believe my Heavenly Father longs for me and all His other children to be in Heaven with Him, even MORE than I long to be reunited with my babies. It is so hard for my human mind to even begin to comprehend just how much God loves and cares for me!
I would like to close with the lyrics from a beautiful song called, Glory baby. It's by one of my favorite groups called, Watermark. http://www.watermark-online.com/watermark.php
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were
growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold
you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until
we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know
there’s a day when we will hold you We will hold you You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see
you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you… You’ll just
have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there
is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like
He said He would… Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine
heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing,
heaven is your home And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…